Girl on Fire!

When I think of the song by Alicia Key’s ‘Girl On Fire’ it reminds me of this wonderful, vibrant human, Michelle Scheibner.

She has recently launched her incredibly powerful book called, ‘Hush - A memoir unravelling the unintended legacy of family secrets’. Even the cover of the book is reminiscent of a fire - black and white with red and yellow tones - it’s visually stunning.

It really resonates with me because it talks about what defines us. What makes us who we are and how we show up in life. Michelle so generously shares her personal story and her family’s story. This is a quote from the back cover:

‘In 2016, as the sun rose, Michelle Schiebner was struck by a realisation: her identity story hadn’t begun the day she as born. The death of a significant love triggered a deep systemic grief, for Michelle it was complicated: she was single, childless, voiceless, alone and family-less. An adult orphan with a gaping absence of story. Unspoken truths hushed, shame and loss silenced, attributing to the inaccuracies of the of the past and family secrets.’

When I read this it was a drop the mic moment for me. I too am an adult orphan who is no stranger to loss.

My father was a despatch rider in WW2 and whilst he was too young to be enlisted he was asked to help with the clean up at Dunkirk, France. The trauma from that experience meant that he never wanted to travel overseas ever again, so as a family when I was young we used to do road-trips to various parts of the UK (Yorkshire, Lancashire, Wales, Cornwall, Devon, Scotland etc). The first time I went to Europe (Belgium, Germany and France) was on a school trip.

Hush reminds me of where I can from and where my parents came from. My mum was a little girl in WW2. She was evacuated from her home and sent to the country (in Wales I believe) to get away from the bombing in Kent.

When I look back now I can see how these experiences of being separated from her mum and dad at an early age had a profound effect on her self-worth and confidence throughout her life.

Reading Hush has stoked a fire in me to want to know more about my parents early life and about my grandparents. I realise there are many, many questions that I have never asked because it just didn’t seem as though it was my business to. I know there is pain and trauma from those times that until now I have felt was better left unearthed.

What I realise from reading Hush is that, even today, those events play a part in my life story and are part of who I am on a DNA level.

In the chapter called, ‘Swiss Cheese’, Michelle talks about the profound effect that the relationship that we have with our mother from the moment we are conceived and how impactful it is on our personal and emotional development.

As someone who is a HUGE fan of working with and attracting what I call #lituphumans, this paragraph on page 169 felt like it hit me between the eyes:

‘If we can’t receive from mother, we can’t receive from life, and that includes relationships,’ Karl adds. ‘We become people pleasers and avoid conflict, have no boundaries in relationships, get into bad relationships because someone is “seeing” us and “lighting” us up. We didn’t get the “lighting up” that happens between mothers and babies.‘

Wow, HUGE lightbulb moment.

Not because it resonates with me, about my life - I am incredibly lucky because my mum was always lighting me up. She was so generous she continued to be that spark for me right until the moment her life force left her body.

My sense though is that this was my mums experience with her mum. Her mum, my nana, was a very traditional woman. Very well spoken and slightly aloof. She wasn’t a hugger. My mum was. She used to lay the table with white table clothes, silverware and doyley’s at every meal. Everything had to be, ‘just so’. Her garage was stacked with cans of food, just in case there was another seige. There was a lack of freedom and joyful self expression in Nana’s house.

Now I am beginning to understand why.

Hush has already got me thinking about everyone a little differently. From my Nana to my dad, to my lovely mum and even my wonderful Clients who engage with me to learn more about themselves.

Hush is a deep and personal reminder that we all have a story, that doesn’t start with us.

Michelle shares some really wonderful insights from her research from the book, ‘It Didn’t Start with You: How inherited family trauma shapes who we are and how we end the cycle’ by Mark Wolynn. She says:

‘This book offers us a new lens of understanding and shifts all those conversations away from regret toward solutions and the possibility of healing.’

Isn’t that what life is all about? Living life passionately and living a life you love. After all we are only in this skin bag once, we may as well make the most of it!

We can only do that though, when we truly know who we are and where we fit in.

If you haven’t read Hush by Michelle Scheibner, I highly recommend grabbing a copy from booktopia. Then do yourself a favour and carve out some time to read it. Have a pen and higlighter at the ready too - there is SO much gold in there to digest and reflect on. It will help you to begin, or deepen, your journey of self-discovery.

As Michelle says, “Let the #unhushing begin.”

With much love, Tee-Jay x